Changes

I'm not sure when or how it happened.


As a child, I was a pitiful thing. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I was painfully bashful, and had no friends - anywhere. I learned during that time that we were not like everyone else. We lived in crappy messy run down houses. People looked down their noses at us. We never dressed as well as others because we just didn't have any means to. Once I was old enough to realize this, it was extremely embarrassing. That only made things worse for me; because now I could see myself through their eyes too, and know we were 'different'. I did finally make one or two friends.

Years passed. After a couple bad relationships I merged into a huge dysfunctional family. If you didn't speak up you were left out, and nobody cared. It was also an abusive situation. I finally got to a point where I had to decide to leave for my own well-being or take a chance on being killed. I left. I spent a short amount of time with a cousin who lived a depressing life. That pulled me down further.

A friend took me in. It felt good to not worry about when the next fist would fly or the next insult would come, or if I would get run down by an angry man in a car. Then I went to visit another friend, and ended up staying with there for awhile. I met a really nice guy who brought me out of my shell. I found my voice in there somewhere. I found out I could actually pretend to be like other people (even tho his mother thought I was below her son). All was well for a few years, but then circumstances changed.

Meanwhile I was becoming more outspoken than ever. I actually stood up for myself if someone talked bad to me. I thought I was developing something like self confidence. I was fooling myself. What I guess I was becoming was this awful outspoken person who people no longer thought was "nice". I developed an opinion. A lot of people didn't like it because they could no longer walk all over me. I liked that part.

Time passed. My children growing up thought I was too protective. They thought they should be allowed to go do all the things the other kids did. But the other kids got into lots of trouble, and some even died. My thought was to only protect my own children. Eventually they grew big and old enough to dismiss me and do what they wanted to do. Some of that backfired on them. It was their decision. My job was to protect my children while they were growing up and I tried to do that to the best of my ability. I failed a lot. I can't help that. I didn't have any experience with how to bring a child up the "right" way.

Meanwhile my heart has to toughen up so that when these things happen I can manage my way through them without being broken. So I developed an attitude. I will speak my mind and not care what people think. Years of keeping to myself now get blabbed out, sometimes without my consent. Words will just come out. Often I do not even realize I've said anything offensive. I try to only speak the truth. I hate to be lied to as I had been for many years. In fact I've always said, the two things I can't stand are a liar and a thief. I may not like the truth but I respect it. And if I have it and you want it, I'll probably give it to you or find you one like it, so no need to steal.

So now I am in my mid 50s, and I am no longer a nice person. I've developed this attitude I guess that others don't like. I call it self preservation. Others call it something else. I think about where I've come from and how I used to be. And inside, nothing has changed since I was a little kid. I still have those same feelings of inadequacy. I still feel like people look down at me. I still feel like I am sub standard. And I guess it's so bad that even some of my own family can't tell me things because of how I might 'react'. That's pitiful. What's the use of being on the planet if you can't be yourself with your own people?

I guess I am just sad today and writing. I'm sure I'm not through with this yet.